When the Technician can’t find the Heartbeat

I don’t really know what to write on this topic. I’m exhausted with the whole process. When we were  just starting to deal with infertility (5.5 years ago)  and then finally had our first baby I was able to write an article in a few minutes but now I am lost for words. Maybe it’s because at any given day, at any given moment my thoughts, feelings and hopes on the subject change. We are in the midst of infertility and the loss of our dear miracle/ “rainbow baby”, a child we will never hold and a child we were so desperately happy to finally conceive. Our fertility doctor was surprised and delighted we had conceived back in January. He was going to use our video (of surgery) and story to give hope to others with stage IV endometriosis that they too may have hope. So we finally had our miracle baby, we could breathe for a minute and even put our adoption process on hold (due to the agency’s policies). 

We had a very early loss last January, a “chemical pregnancy”, due October 15th of 2020. We found out we were pregnant early and just as soon we discovered we were not. 

This year our miracle baby was to be due October 15th of 2021 – crazy cool, right?!

I’ll back up a minute…

I’m currently preparing some information, basically a pamphlet on infertility and my diagnoses for my mother-in-law. We had all the ultrasounds, bloodwork, tests and even surgery. It all gets confusing especially for those that have had great success in the fertility realm, so I don’t mind compiling a short novel to assist them with understanding and explaining to others. It’s been years of data and years of rollercoasters. And months and months of highs and lows and progesterone pills and hCG tests, negative hCG tests. Until one amazing month we had a positive test!

In March we saw our beautiful child at about 9 weeks, we saw and heard that precious heartbeat on the ultrasound and just could not believe it. We finally had a baby safely in my womb and growing so well. Well not so well, the heart beat was a little slow and we were measuring behind. Measuring behind would be fine if I wasn’t charting and knew the range of dates we most likely conceived. The measurement would have me conceiving after my positive pregnancy test- not good.

So I cried the entire ride home, just about all 2 hours. 

I can’t say I was surprised, my progesterone levels were not keeping up like my first and successful pregnancy, even with supplementation. We were to return in a few weeks for a follow up. When we returned it was the last appointment of the day and we were 20 minutes late due to traffic. We basically had the office to ourselves, a wonderful blessing. We had the ultrasound first and the technician could not find the heartbeat, I think I knew beforehand, I was somehow prepared for this. I was worried for my husband, the most optimistic and sweetest man. It was hard to hear there was no longer a heartbeat. After the appointment we went down the street to get a drink and let things sink in. We reviewed the pamphlet they gave us on pregnancy loss and future testing- MTHRFR seemed appropriate at that juncture. We had our drinks and shed our tears and went through it together. 

We had a missed miscarriage and we were then to wait for my body to finally recognize the loss of the baby. I opted for a D&C surgery, as my body was not doing what it should and I was breaking out into hives. After carrying our little love for 11 weeks we brought our little one, in a beautiful box provided by the hospital, strapped into big brother’s car seat, home. When we arrived home we transferred our child to the beautiful burial box my parents purchased for us (from Heaven’s Gain Ministries). We then went to Nana and Papa’s to pick up our son. Our three year old at times wonders what happened to the baby in mommy’s tummy. We tell him our baby is with Jesus and we can keep asking for more babies to love. 

Bennett Perpetua (“little blessed one” “forever”) is now our sweetest and dearest intercessor. October 15th is going to be hard this year. I had the dream of trick-or-treating with our 3-year-old and our newborn and holding this amazing gift on my birthday and then enjoying all the beautiful holidays with our children. I think I set my self up for sadness this October as I figured I would be pregnant again by then because most women conceive after miscarriage, but this is with normal fertility and we are far from that. We are going to take the next few cycles off until my next endometriosis surgery later this year (we met our deductible- woot) And then we will start afresh with new treatments and new hopes. 

Will we ever have a miracle? Will we even conceive again? Will this storm ever subside? I would love to hold and love a rainbow. I have never been more attune to all the blessings we already possess and the best blessing of growing and learning with my husband every day of this crazy, beautiful journey. We are going on six years of marriage and though we are far from our big family dreams, we are grateful and blessed to have our children – our son we get to help grow and love upon, here on earth and our saints above. 

I know I am not alone today, not by a long shot. October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day, a day to remember the little loves we lost and long to meet or see again. Please light a candle this night as we light up the planet to show our little loves how big our love is for them. 

October 15th 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day 

 “The day was established in 2002 in order to honor, celebrate, and remember babies who have passed away due to miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, and other causes of infant loss.

Pregnancy and Infant loss Remembrance Day serves to promote greater Awareness, Remembrance and Support of the estimated 1 in 4 individuals and families whose lives are irrevocably altered by the death of their children, during pregnancy, at birth and in infancy. The aim of the day is to;

Raise awareness of the need for support
Encourages people to talk
It honors the babies who have passed.

The International Wave of Light invites baby loss families, friends, loved ones and supporting organizations from around the world to join in honor and remembrance of loved and longed for babies on October 15 at 7:00 pm in all time zones.

Lighting begins at the International Date Line, in the first time zone, remaining lit a period of one hour, with the next time zone lighting respectively, moving through each time zone as the Wave of Light circumnavigates the globe. The result is a continuous chain of light encompassing and spanning across the world and around the globe for a 24-hour period, illuminating the night in love and light in honor and remembrance of our children.


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