A close friend recently asked me a question that really had me reflecting on the past year. She asked, “What has been the hardest part of the divorce process thus far?”. Upon hearing the question my mind initially went to the financial concerns.
Yes, I will receive spousal support and child support (until said children graduate from High School, the oldest graduates next year). But will it be enough when tallied with what I currently make in order to cover the mortgage, food bill, clothing, driver’s education, social functions, braces, glasses, electric, gas, water, taxes, insurance, phone, wifi, etc? Um, NO! That was where my mind initially went. And as a parent, I’ve always wanted my children to have an epic childhood, what parent doesn’t? Preferably one similar to my own upbringing (my parents started off with nothing, they even qualified for food stamps, and where they ended up is proof that sacrificing and working towards a common goal together, supporting one another for the good of the family, persevering, exhibiting fortitude, and faith will indeed eventually pay off) Thus, surprisingly, the realization of not being able to afford to put a roof over my children’s heads, food on the table, and provide them with the bare necessities hasn’t been the hardest. What about the physical toll? The mental weight and concern have been extreme and only possibly trumped by the physical toll.
The physical toll the divorce has had has been exhausting. I’ve always been the parent that drove children to and from school, to after-school activities, etc. I’ve been the parent that did the homework and played referee during sibling quarrels, I was the parent that did it all because my husband traveled Monday thru Thursday and then had time to recuperate during the weekend. So I was accustomed to being the parent that provided everything for our children, ran the household, cleaned, did laundry, made meals, did the grocery shopping, tended to all the pets’ needs, etc. However, once you’re the “everything parent” and you add working full-time to your schedule you are met with a type of physical exhaustion you’ve never experienced. It’s basically like being the mom and the dad. And you can forget about weekends being about “relaxing and recuperating from the week”. Weekends are when I play catchup on the mess made during the week. The physical exhaustion and mental exhaustion of going through a divorce, raising 3 teenagers by myself, working full time, and running a household is BEYOND hard, but still not the hardest part about the divorce process. Want to know the hardest part of the divorce process? What’s been the hardest for me to process? It’s so simple, yet complicated, concerning, heartbreaking, and perhaps something I will always ponder.
The hardest part about the divorce process thus far has been, coming to terms with the fact that I wasn’t worth fighting for! Sure everyone can tell me it’s him, what he’s going through, but, to be with someone for 22 years, to share half a lifetime with someone and then they serve you with divorce papers, with no explanation for their behaviors, no answers to ALL your questions…that, that has been the hardest part about divorce process thus far!