Worst Marriage Advice EVER!

I was at my wits end! My husband and I had had one of those epic arguments where we totally lost focus mid-disagreement and suddenly reverted back to adolescents. We were no longer attacking the issue but rather, each other’s character. It didn’t take us long to annihilate each other with our cut throat, dagger through the heart kind of words. We each walked away feeling entirely defeated, deflated of hope, and wounded. What I needed was a good friend’s shoulder to cry on, help mend my wounds, and offer some sound advice on my journey back to adulthood. What I received ended up being much the opposite, in fact I would say it is probably the WORST marriage advice I have ever received!

 

I managed to resuscitate my broken soul and dragged my shell of a body to a local coffee shop to meet up with that friend who was supposed to be my shoulder to crying on, my wisdom whisperer…my saving grace during my time of need. We greeted each other with a silent comforting glance, each ordered and received our coffees, found a quaint spot to sit, and exchanged mild pleasantries before delving into my quarry of woes. I must admit it was refreshing getting outside of my self-deprecating thoughts for a while and listening to the latest endeavors in her life. It turned out that she had just started a new fitness routine and totally hated it initially, but liked the results she was seeing. As I sat across from her I couldn’t help but to think I was the most self-absorbed person in the world, I was so focused on me, my issues, that I didn’t even notice or acknowledge how great she was looking. I quickly verbalized my thought; she thanked me for noticing, and then we dived right into that pit of deep dark water where my heart currently resided, just barely staying afloat.

 

I shared with her the horrible fight my husband and I had, the hurtful words we uttered, and how it just left me feeling miserable. Her response, advice, words of wisdom that I so desperately seek was anything but. What I wanted was a life saver, a preserver to pull me up, out of the deep dark waters, and what I received was an anchor, an anchor that would not only leave me motionless but send me deeper into the abyss.  Her advice was, “If you aren’t happy you should leave…you deserve to be happy”.  I sat there for a moment dumbfounded. Was she serious? Was this advice coming from the same person who just said how much she hated her new fitness routine but stuck with it and loves the results?

 

“If you aren’t happy you should leave…you deserve to be happy”

 

If I took her philosophy on marriage and applied it to other things in life I fear I would end up entirely alone, unhealthy, perhaps even in jail, prison, or dead. There are so many thing in life that don’t necessary make me happy, for example, eating broccoli doesn’t make me happy, obeying the speed limit doesn’t make me happy, doing the laundry doesn’t make me happy, and I could go on for days. Though it does not bring me instant gratification or happiness I eat broccoli for my health, I obey the speed limit in order to stay safe and not cause harm to myself, passengers, or other drivers, I do the laundry because I don’t want my family to have to walk around with dirty clothes on, and I stay married because despite these arguments that can escalate, that seem like the end of the world in the moment are actually mere drops of water in the ocean that is marriage. I stay married through those moments of unhappiness because marriage and life are not all about us being happy all the time…..for without some suffering we would never know the value of happiness?  

 

“Without some suffering how would we ever know the value of happiness?”

 

After coffee I knew what I had to do and trust me, it was the last thing my stubborn, proud ego wanted to do! But I did it anyway! I needed to reflect on my part of the argument, take responsibility, ownership for my “dagger” words. I needed to apologize for my actions and words and to forgive my husband for his.

forgivers

 

“Do it Anyway”

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

Saint Teresa of Calcutta

 

After coffee I also learned a very valuable life lesson, be cautious whose advice you heed. Though friends might have the best intentions at heart it is important to remember that each of our souls takes the spiritual journey at its own pace.

 

And sometimes, though circumstances may appear one way the outcome may be quite different. For I met for coffee in order to receive comfort from a friend and what ended up happening was I was the comforter, the sounding board for my friend, her wisdom whisperer. She wasn’t happy in her marriage; she contemplated leaving, guess what? She admitted her advice was the worst; they have worked things through and continue to do so in order to live happily ever after. (Wink, wink)

 

If you or someone you know is contemplating a separation this resource was one my friend came across that was informative:

 

Overview: A large majority of individuals in unhappy marriages who hang in there and avoid divorce end up reporting their marriages are very happy a few years later. For the most part, those who divorced and even those who divorced and remarried were not happier than those who stuck with their marriages. http://www.divorce.usu.edu/htm/about-the-program

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chick-fil-A (Need I say more?)

I toyed with the idea of posting this yesterday, or even at all.  I figured enough has been said, I won’t bother. But then I started reading comments on facebook that called those who purchased Chick-fil-A yesterday haters. That is when I knew I needed to say something.  I am not a hater. I love. I forgive. If I have something you need I am more than happy to share, donate, and give. I believe all people; including Gays and Lesbians have a right to live as they choose. That being stated, they don’t have the right to redefine marriage for all of us. 

Here are some pictures from yesterday…

 

This is a serious topic and one that is very near and dear to my heart, Marriage.  My grandparents on my father’s side were married for 47 years, my grandparents on my mother’s for 44 years, my own parents have been married for 35 years, my in-laws for 43 year, and my husband and I will celebrate our 10th wedding Anniversary next April.  Those marriages, all combined welcomed over 17 children. The sanctity of Marriage and family is engrained in me and my children. I pray every night that my grandchildren and great-grandchildren will experience and know marriage as love between a man and women that gives way to family.

I do not want my grandchildren to think that one-half of humanity, either mothers or fathers, are dispensable.

What is your stance? (Don’t worry, I am not a hater. You can speak/type freely. I am grown-up enough to handle opposing views. I do believe that what you have to say is important so please share. But it would be appreciated if you did it in a cordial manner, thank you)

Marriage is Divine: Year Nine!

On this date 9 years ago my husband and I stood before our friends, family, Priest, and God and proclaimed our love, trust, bond, and commitment to one another in Holy Matrimony.  I remember walking down the aisle with such joy in my heart.  I had made a considerable amount of important decisions in my life but when I said “Yes, I will marry you” that was by far the most important! Two years and much planning later, I walked down that aisle stood before everyone and confidently proclaimed “I do”.

9 years later and I still do. Our marriage has grown and evolved over time and with each life altering event we learn more about one another.  Of course the most life altering events, the birth of our children, which has greatly transformed each of us, it is precious to see the amazing father my husband has become.  But everyday can bring about a new challenge or even path in the journey called Holy Matrimony.  So I collated a few tips that I feel are helpful to remember when entering or maintaining a marriage.

  • I am a work in progress. I am not perfect, I am human.
  • My spouse is not perfect, he is human too.  “I would rather live with his dirty socks on the floor and computer bag by the front door than live without him”.
  • Love and value each other and not “stuff”.
  • If you are wrong, mistaken, or did not follow through on a promise admit it, own it! Apologize, rectify, and most importantly, move on! (I like this scene in the Lion King ….It’s in the past! Clip below)

 

  • Always remember the golden rule: Treat your spouse how you would like to be treated.
  • Think before you speak.  Is what you are about to say valid in the long run or are you simply experiencing a moment of frustration? How is what you are about to say going to influence your spouse’s day?
  • The silent treatment is more harmful than helpful.
  • You can’t give your spouse the responsibility to make you happy. Genuine happiness can only come from you. That being said…..
  • Things will not always go your way or how you envisioned them unfolding. When this occurs you have options; this is where that wise saying comes into play, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react”.
  • Money will come and money will go but the memories will last a lifetime.
  • Always kiss each other goodbye and end a phone conversation with “I love you”.
  • Value and love your spouse not “stuff” or materials. Obviously you need to maintain your livelihood but at what cost?  Is a large home, fancy car, designer clothes, etc. worth both of you working late and never seeing each other?  
  • Unplug and shut off screens when speaking with your spouse, give your spouse your undivided attention. Isn’t that why you got married?
  • It is called Holy Matrimony for a reason.  Here comes another valuable saying, “The family that prays together stays together”.  And trust me, in marriage there is a lot of praying!

Marriage is tough at times and those who say otherwise are not being truthful.  However it is also one of the most amazing journeys. It is comforting to know that I have a witness, partner, lover, and friend to share this journey with and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

In honor of the past 9 years I had hoped to put something together that included just my husband and me, but apparently our life didn’t officially start until we had children (or at least we didn’t actually purchase a camera until we had children). So without further ado….a dedications to me and you…..

Have any valuable lessons or tips to share about marriage? Maybe a story to share?