“No man is an island”, God created us as social beings, and we need one another for support, clarity, etc. That being said, we came to this planet alone and we will leave this planet alone. Learning to live with others is significant but learning to live with yourself is paramount. Introspection, self-awareness, and autonomy are each necessary in order to maintain the longest relationship of your life, your relationship with yourself. It was on a recent trip to an island that I finally received the clarity I’d been praying for these past few years.
It was a beautiful hot humid July day and the plan was to head to Kelley’s Island for the day to swim, hike, make a campfire, and enjoy pizza pie irons, smores, an overall relaxing and enjoyable summer day. After much resistance from my sleepy teenagers, we finally hit the road a bit later than I anticipated. (This is a side note for all the parents embarking on the teenage years…there will be much resistance, complaining, whining, etc. when it comes to practically every single thing you will plan. Do NOT give in to the resistance! Harness all the fortitude you can muster and preserve). There was a possibility of threatening weather that night and I had hoped to avoid it on the drive back, but let’s be honest, if we lived our lives based upon the weather forecast we’d do nothing because there is always a chance of something. We drove off the ferry headed to Kelley’s Island State Park and proceeded to have the perfect day. We had a brief history and science lesson at the glacier grooves, had a picnic lunch, and then headed for Lake Erie to swim.
The water felt like that first sip of a tall glass of iced tea as it quenches a longing thirst, the ice cubes brushing against your lips, condensation enveloping your palm and instantly lowering your body temperature. It was perfection! The water was clear, crisp, and calm. Unfortunately, the skies were not. We could hear thunder rolling in the distance. We changed out of our swimsuits which proved pointless considering the fact that once we came out of the washhouse we were greeted by a torrential downpour. So we headed for the car and went with plan B, driving into town to have dinner. As we drove into town we notice there were no lights on in any of the establishments. The entire island had lost power. We inquired and due to the weather, the ferry was not running. So, just to recap, we were on an island, with no electricity, no wifi, no cell service, the ferry stopped running, sopping wet, sitting in the car and now freezing since the storm brought in a cold front. Yep, that about sums it up. What ensued next was a eureka moment, a paradigm shift within me, the clarification I have been praying for regarding the dispute within, the vying anger and discontent.
It was only once the excessive noise of the world was quieted leaving just the rhythmic beat of the raindrops that I realize my anger was really masking fear, my discontent a mere front for frustration, that it’s not about healing but learning to live with the scar, and ultimately the solution to it all, forgiveness. I’ll be honest, it’s a lot to unpack. But let me try to be as concise as possible.
The anger I’ve been lugging around these past 2-½ years might have presented itself as true anger at first but I’ve come to realize it has manifested into fear. I have a fear that I will fall short of my financial obligations to my children. This is a fear I now believe my ex-husband probably harbored as well, and what a huge burden to bear alone. I wish there would have been more vulnerability in the relationship so as to allow me to help bear the burden. The discontent I am feeling when hearing other’s expectations of my life is actually frustration. I’m frustrated that others won’t take the time to ask me what I want in my life instead of making assumptions about what I should want based on their own life. Every single person has their own path to take in life. At some point, loved ones need to rest assured that one has been given the necessary tools along the way to repair and mend their vessel so they can continue their own journey. It should be noted that mending and tending to the wound is essential but in terms of healing the body never goes back to the way it was prior to the infection or wound. The body has built up antibodies or now has a scar. In life, it’s about learning how to move on with the scar. This brings me to my eureka finale, all of these, anger, fear, discontent, frustration, and living with the scar can all be put to rest with one pivotal player, forgiveness. Forgiving those who did not advocate for you, who had the best intentions but hurt you instead, who simply don’t know how to communicate effectively, and this one, this one is the HARDEST, forgiving yourself! Forgiving yourself for not always making the best decisions, forgiving yourself for not saying the right thing, and forgiving yourself when you fall short. We are all human. We are not perfect. But in order to move on and live our imperfect lives with imperfect people we must be self-aware, we are flawed.
It is true, “no man is an island”, we need others, we are social, emotional beings. But what kind of insight are you contributing to any relationship when you are not self-aware? We enter this world alone and we will leave alone. No one is on your journey but you, sure we have companions along the way, but the entire journey is your’s and your’s alone. Through introspection, we gain self-awareness and healthy autonomy. Do you know who you are? As life experiences occur we change, change is good, take the time to get acquainted with who you are right now in life. Now I’m not saying you have to endure the resistance of three teenagers and be stranded on an island with no electricity, wifi, or cell service in order to pursue such an in-depth introspection, but perhaps you do need to find a way to quiet everyone else’s assumptions, opinions, and narratives in your mind.
Mom on the go in Holy Toledo 