Family dynamics, routines, schedules, etc. are complicated. Add in-laws, more children, divorce, second marriages, and merging families, and it becomes more like a three-ring circus trying to accommodate everyone’s schedules, routines, and unique characteristics.
One of our favorite holiday movies this time of year is Daddy’s Home 2, which features Will Ferrel and Mark Wahlberg. It’s a sequel to Daddy’s Home; the main synopsis is that the children’s dad and step-dad learn to do more than just tolerate one another, they learn to work together for the benefit of the children, to will the good of the other, to love one another. In the sequel, the youngest daughter states that she hates to choose between attending her dad and stepmom’s Christmas or her mom and stepdad’s Christmas. Hearing this crushes the adults so they attempt the otherwise impossible: a together Christmas with both families. Again, the main theme is the children, adults learning to act like adults, to get along, not making the children choose between one parent or the other, not making the children feel like an accessory but rather the main event, the purpose, and provide the children with a healthy environment to celebrate a holiday together. I think it’s important to note that even without the complicated addition of a divorce, this is a predicament plaguing couples for years. Once married, couples forever have to decide whose house they will be celebrating each holiday at, the wife’s parents or husband’s parents and if their parents are divorced it complicates the holidays even more, it isn’t unusual for couples to try and attend up to four gatherings in one day. While it would be nice to think all the adults could “adult” and have one holiday, logistically it is improbable. So, is there a solution beyond a “together holiday”? My fiance and I pondered this question.
My fiance and I have five children combined. We each have ex-spouses. His children have two sets of grandparents and a grandmother; mine have two sets of grandparents. Each side is also blessed with aunts, uncles, and cousins. Our wish for our children during the holidays is that they can spend time with their entire families, building bonds and making memories. For this to occur, we could do one of three things: one, ask everyone to accommodate our Thanksgiving time and work around us, two, have a huge three-ring circus of a Thanksgiving with a “together holiday” or three, adjust our Thanksgiving so that it accommodates the children’s relatives. Since it is far easier to change oneself than it is another person, we opted for the latter.
We rented a cabin in Hocking Hills and had our Thanksgiving feast the Saturday before Thanksgiving. Was it convenient for us, not necessarily, I still had grad school deadlines, and we had children who had to be back by Monday for school, but we made it work and I am so thankful we did. I didn’t realize how badly we needed to get away from the city and entirely immerse ourselves in the forest, unplugging and exploring together, and simply being together.
I left work at 3:30 pm Friday, came home, my crew packed their hoodies and their waterproof hiking shoes and we hit the road by 5 pm. He picked up his kiddos from school and continued to Zwickle Rd Logan, Ohio! His crew arrived first and greeted us when we pulled in. We unpacked, kiddos grabbed snacks, and everyone naturally congregated in the downstairs living area. His youngest got out her violin, and my youngest, who plays the viola sat beside her, they discussed the differences, and the evening and night just flowed from there, it felt so good having everyone under one roof, chatting, laughing, and feeling comfortable being themselves entirely. I love that none of them feel the need to hide who they are or not act like themselves to accommodate adult maladaptive behaviors brought on by insecurities.
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Saturday morning Brent put the bird in the oven, and the kiddos each received a gift (we went shopping leading up to our getaway for matching PJs for a “Jolly Crew” pic!), we took our pictures outside the cabin, it was the perfect backdrop. Now comes the difficult decision, which image should we use, the serious or silly? After our photo session, we explored Hocking Hills. We ventured off to Old Man’s Cave, Lower Falls, and then back to the cabin to make the side dishes for our Thanksgiving feast.
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The kiddos each partnered up to prepare the side dishes, mind you, we were in a cabin, and we had to plan ahead of time so most of the sides were packaged for convenience. We set the table and then sat down to our 2024 Thanksgiving dinner on Zwickle Road!!!
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The next morning, we attended Mass and explored more of Hocking Hills, including Cedar Creek and Whispering Cave, and spotted the honeycomb and Hemlock Bridge. That evening, we had to divide and conquer. He took his kiddo, my oldest, and her boyfriend back to Toledo, and I went to Burger King for 4-½ hours to complete my graduate work that was due by midnight.
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The next morning, I grabbed my coffee, walked through the woods near the cabin, and reflected on the weekend. I thanked God for the amazing man he brought into my life. I’ve always wanted a partner who held similar beliefs and priorities. I’ve always wanted a family man, a man who puts quality time with the family at the forefront, who enjoys spending time together even if that means planning for three weeks, shopping, packing, cooking, cleaning, driving there and back, simply to spend 48 hours altogether!
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I’ve learned that to put the children first the adults need to be capable of putting their needs second, third, or even fourth. I’ve learned that this is only possible with adults who have a strong relationship built on effective communication that includes constructive conflict management, where each can exhibit vulnerability and there’s mutual respect.
I’m happy to announce that this Thanksgiving, the children did not have to miss out on one gathering, each celebrated with their respective relatives. Additionally, we started our family tradition of celebrating Thanksgiving in Hocking Hills. I pray this is a tradition we can continue even when our children are married so they do not have to feel the uncomfortable burden and anxiety of choosing between spending the holidays with their spouse’s family or their family.
Mom on the go in Holy Toledo 