I Said I Had No Regrets After My Divorce. I Lied.

Content note: This post discusses divorce, financial abuse, emotional distress, and the challenges of single parenting.

For a long time, if someone asked me whether I had any regrets after my divorce, I would say no.

No regrets.

I survived. I kept my house. I kept my kids. I figured out how to pay the bills, work multiple jobs, and keep a household running while raising three children.

I’m also going to graduate school, working toward a future in mental health counseling. I’m trying to build a career, invest in my future, and create a life that looks different from the one I had before. All while parenting three children who are no longer little kids, but teenagers and young adults who are still learning how to navigate the world.

But recently, I’ve realized there is one thing I deeply regret.

And it has nothing to do with leaving my marriage.

It has everything to do with what I didn’t prepare my children for before our entire world changed.

I Didn’t Plan on Being a Single Mom. I Planned on Being a Mom.

I was married for 19 years. I had a bachelor’s degree and a master’s degree in environmental and sustainable design. I had an education, career potential, and plans for my future.

Then we had children.

As a couple, we decided it made sense for one of us to stay home and raise them. Financially, the decision made sense, too. When you have three children and both parents work, a significant portion of one income can disappear into childcare expenses alone.

So we made a sacrifice. We became a one-income household.

That meant no fancy cars, no big house in the suburbs, and no multiple vacations every year. We weren’t living some picture-perfect life of luxury.

But I was there.

I was there for the school events, the PTA board, the classroom volunteering, the religious education classes, the tutoring, and the room-mom responsibilities. I was the parent who knew what was happening at school, who needed extra help, who had a project due, and who needed someone to show up.

While my husband traveled for work to support our family, I ran the home front.

And I want to be clear: I appreciated the sacrifices we were both making. I understood that his travel was part of how we supported our family, and I valued the time I had with our children.

Was being a stay-at-home mom a lot of work?

DAMN STRAIGHT.

Was it worth it?

HELL YES.

I got to raise my children. I got to be present for the little things that turn out to be the big things. I got to be the parent who was there, day in and day out.

I don’t regret that decision. Not for one second.

The Part Nobody Saw

But there was another side to our family life.

When my husband came home from traveling, there were times when the atmosphere in the house changed. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, trying to anticipate what might trigger anger or criticism.

A new toy without an obvious place to go could become a problem. If the kids didn’t know where to put it away, something that should have been a simple parenting moment could turn into yelling or punishment.

I tried to get ahead of those situations. I tried to keep the house running smoothly. I tried to protect my children from the anger, the criticism, and the emotional fallout.

Looking back, I can see how much energy I spent trying to prevent the next blowup.

I was doing more than raising my children. I was trying to manage the emotional temperature of the household.

At the time, I thought I was protecting them. And in many ways, I was trying to do exactly that.

But I was also unknowingly creating a family routine in which I anticipated the problems, handled the messes, and smoothed things over before they escalated.

I didn’t realize how much that routine would matter until everything changed.

October 13, 2021: Everything Changed

On October 13, 2021, I was served divorce papers.

By that point, I had experienced financial abuse, the phone being shut off, and behavior that left me emotionally and mentally exhausted.

The divorce process brought its own collection of degrading comments, doubts, and fears. I was made to feel that keeping my home and raising my children on my own would be nearly impossible.

After 19 years of marriage and years spent primarily raising our children, I was suddenly facing a future I had never planned for.

I had to transition from a stay-at-home mom to a full-time working mom.

But I wasn’t just going back to work.

I was becoming the person responsible for keeping the entire household running while working multiple jobs and raising three children.

The transition wasn’t gradual. There was no six-month training period. No helpful manual arrived in the mail.

One day, I was the parent who could devote most of her day to managing the children’s needs and the household.

Then, suddenly, I had to figure out how to do all of that while earning a living, too.

And I was doing it while navigating a divorce and trying to rebuild my life.

I had to figure out who I was outside of being a wife and stay-at-home mom while also making sure my children had what they needed. I was rebuilding my financial independence, trying to create stability, and learning how to carry responsibilities that had once been divided between two adults.

I didn’t have the luxury of putting my life on hold until I felt ready. Life kept moving, and I had to move with it.

My Biggest Regret? I Didn’t Prepare My Kids for the Transition.

Here’s where I lied when I said I had no regrets.

My biggest regret is that I didn’t prepare my children for the transition from having a stay-at-home mom to having a full-time working mom who was also the sole day-to-day parent.

For years, I had been the one who anticipated household needs, kept track of everyone’s schedules, managed the messes, and tried to prevent conflict.

When I was suddenly working full-time, I couldn’t continue doing everything the way I had before.

I couldn’t always pick up the slack.

I couldn’t always get ahead of every household problem.

I couldn’t always make sure everything was handled before I walked through the door.

And I don’t think I adequately prepared my children for what that would mean for our family.

My children aren’t little anymore. They’re teenagers and young adults, each with their own schedules, responsibilities, goals, and lives. And that’s part of why this regret weighs on me.

I wish I had done more to prepare them for the reality that our household would have to function differently. I was so accustomed to being the one who handled everything that I didn’t adequately prepare all of us to share the responsibilities when I could no longer do it all.

I wasn’t just returning to work. I was trying to build a new career, attend graduate school, and figure out how to support our family while helping my children grow into independent adults.

I wish I had started teaching them more household responsibility before everything fell on my shoulders.

I wish we had talked more about how our roles would change, how chores would be shared, and how everyone would need to contribute to keeping our home running.

I wish I had made it clear that our family was entering a new season, and we would need new routines to make it work.

Not because my children were responsible for my divorce. They weren’t.

Not because children should have to carry the burdens of adults. They shouldn’t.

But because children grow into adults, and learning to contribute to a household is part of growing up.

I was so focused on protecting them from what was happening that I didn’t adequately prepare all of us for what came next.

And that is something I still think about.

Three Years Later, I’m Still Trying to Catch Up.

I got the house. I retained custody of my children. Their father was supposed to have parenting time, including meals and weekends, but his involvement has been extremely limited. In the three years following the finalization of our divorce, I could count on one hand the number of times they had seen him.

So the day-to-day parenting remained with me.

The school responsibilities. The emotional support. The appointments. The rides. The bills. The meals. The laundry. The endless mental checklist that never seems to shut off.

And now, on top of working multiple jobs and raising three teenagers and young adults, I’m going to graduate school. I’m investing in a future career while trying to keep up with the demands of the present. My days are full, my evenings are often spoken for, and there are times when I feel like I’m being pulled in a dozen different directions.

I want to be involved in my children’s lives. I want to finish my education. I want to build a career that gives me purpose and financial stability. I want to maintain a home that feels peaceful instead of constantly feeling like another item on my to-do list.

But there are only so many hours in a day, and I am only one person.

I’m trying to keep the bills paid, the house maintained, and the wheels from coming off while figuring out how to balance work, school, parenting, and everything else life throws at me.

And sometimes, I come home exhausted to a messy house and feel my frustration building.

Sometimes, I yell.

Sometimes, I look around and wonder how I am supposed to keep doing all of this.

Then the guilt creeps in.

Because I want to be patient. I want to be present. I want to have the energy to listen to every story, help with every problem, and enjoy the time I have left with my children at home.

I don’t want every evening to become a negotiation over chores or a lecture about picking up after ourselves.

I don’t want my kids to remember a mom who was always overwhelmed.

I want them to see me pursuing my education, building a career, and creating a future for myself. I want them to understand that it’s never too late to grow, learn, or start over. But I also want them to understand that a household doesn’t run itself and that being part of a family means contributing to it.

I’m trying to teach them independence while learning how to rebuild my own life at the same time.

And some days, that feels like an awful lot to ask of one person.

What I’m Learning About Motherhood After Divorce

I’m learning that loving your children doesn’t mean doing everything for them.

I’m learning that protecting them doesn’t mean shielding them from every uncomfortable reality.

And I’m learning that being a good mom doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself until there is nothing left.

My children deserved to be protected from the conflict and emotional turmoil they experienced. They also deserved the opportunity to learn, gradually and appropriately, how to contribute to our household as our circumstances changed.

I wish I had known how important that transition would be.

I wish I had understood that the routines that worked when I was home all day would not necessarily work when I was working multiple jobs.

And I wish I had known that rebuilding a life after divorce wasn’t just about securing a house, paying bills, and making sure the kids were okay.

It was also about rebuilding the way our family functioned.

We needed new expectations. New routines. New boundaries. And a new understanding of what it meant to be a team.

We’re still figuring some of that out.

I’m still figuring some of that out.

And maybe that’s okay.

Because I can acknowledge where I wish I had done things differently without deciding that I failed my children.

I made the best decisions I could with what I knew at the time. I was navigating a painful divorce, a financial upheaval, and a complete change in my role as a parent.

I was surviving.

Now, I’m trying to build something more sustainable.

I’m learning that I can pursue my own goals without abandoning my responsibilities as a mother. I can teach my children to take on more responsibility without making them feel responsible for the circumstances that brought us here. I can admit that I’m overwhelmed without believing that overwhelm defines me.

And I can keep working toward a future that is meaningful to me, even if the path there is messy and exhausting.

If You’re a Divorced Mom, I See You.

Maybe your regret is different from mine.

Maybe you wish you had gone back to school sooner. Maybe you wish you had saved more money, established stronger boundaries, or asked for help before you reached your breaking point.

Maybe you’re trying to build a career while raising children, going to school while working full-time, or figuring out how to maintain a household when the responsibilities that once belonged to two adults now fall primarily on you.

Maybe you’re still trying to figure out how to work, parent, maintain a home, and have some semblance of a life outside of those responsibilities.

Here’s what I want you to know.

You can regret the things you wish you had done differently without regretting the life you are building now.

You can wish you had prepared your children better without blaming yourself for the circumstances that forced your family to change.

You can love your children fiercely and still feel exhausted by the work of raising them.

And you can be grateful for the years you spent at home while acknowledging how difficult it has been to transition into a working, single-parent household.

Both things can be true.

I don’t regret staying home to raise my children. I don’t regret being present for their childhoods. And I don’t regret rebuilding my life after my marriage ended.

But I do regret not preparing our family for how dramatically our daily lives would change.

That’s the truth I couldn’t quite admit when I said I had no regrets.

Maybe healing isn’t about having no regrets at all.

Maybe it’s about being honest enough to acknowledge them, learning what they have to teach us, and giving ourselves permission to move forward.

Because I’m still here.

I’m still raising my children.

I’m still working, going to graduate school, learning, adjusting, and trying to do better.

I’m still figuring out how to balance being a mother with becoming the person I want to be in this next chapter of my life.

And even on the days when I walk through the door, see the mess, and feel like crying before I even take off my shoes, I’m still trying.

That has to count for something.

If you’re a divorced mom, what’s one thing you wish someone had told you before you became a single mom? I’d love to hear your experience in the comments.