I never got to say goodbye

Why so sad? This is a question I asked myself as I scrolled through emails. Emails about the upcoming Santa Shop, fundraisers, and blogging opportunities. All emails that I now have to reply, “thank you for the opportunity, I have to respectfully decline…”. I will be having a great day and then I’ll come across an email and I’ll find myself tearing up. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because I never got to say goodbye to my old self, my old life, I never received closure or a transition period, I was just thrown into this new, busy, often overwhelming and a bit chaotic at times life. I didn’t ask for this…

I didn’t ask for my husband to surprise me with divorce papers.

I didn’t ask to spend half my time trying to understand the legal terms, system, and ins and outs of the divorce process.

I didn’t ask to suddenly have to be working a full time job and a part time job.

I didn’t ask to be a mom raising three teens on my own.

I didn’t ask to be running a household on my own.

I didn’t ask to be the one responsible for everything!

I was never asked what I wanted? But who is? Are we ever asked? NO. We are not a product of our circumstances but rather our decisions. I can come to terms with this, but it’s the grieving over a life that I once had that has caught me off guard. 

I never got to say goodbye to my old life, a life I loved! I loved being the PTA mom, Santa Shop mom, fundraiser mom, being able to give my children the best of me, and managing the household while my husband traveled. It took a lot to establish that life that I loved and it seemed like it was gone with one signature! So what now? 

I am asking for grace. 

I am asking for me to give myself grace while I allow myself to feel these dueling feelings of mourning and letting go of a chapter well lived.