On the next episode of, Your Man Divorced You And Left You To Raise Three Kids, Care For His Aging Dog, Pay All The Bills And Run The Overall Household On Your Own…it just rolls right off the tongue, lol! So the title is a bit lengthy and humorous. I can honestly say that if it wasn’t for my sense of humor and recognizing the humor in the many scenarios that have occurred over the course of the past 2-½ years I’m not certain I would have survived. I am beyond thankful for the fact that God has given us a sense of humor.
Though, it should be noted that just because we are capable of seeing the humor or irony of situations that does not mean that they hurt any less. We are all familiar with Steve Harvey’s quote, “People’s Opinion of You is None of Your Business, Nor Should You Make It Yours.” I am almost certain all of us are aware of this however, when those same people are literally passing judgment right before you it does become a bit difficult to not make it your business. My lawyer made an assumption about my parents, my parents provided their own opinion of me and my neighbor has created her own narrative, all of which have become my business. I will say, something occurs during the divorce process especially when you are the female and not the one who filed for divorce…let the rumors fly! But seriously, as the female in a divorce, specifically the defendant (one who did not file for divorce) who was a stay-at-home mom there are gender-biased assumptions that are made and in my case, my lawyer actually embraced said assumptions.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I had sat down with my lawyer for the fourth time in one year since dropping off my retainer payment of $1500. It was mere weeks prior to my settlement and my husband’s lawyer had dropped him and we had no idea what was going to occur come the settlement date. He could represent himself, he could get a new lawyer, we could have a trial, we were preparing for everything and the topic of how the retirement money would be divided came up in conversation. Back story, I had retirement money that I had accumulated but we cashed it out to help pay for our kitchen remodel (stupid, stupid, stupid…but at the time I was married for 13 years, and made the commitment before God to be married for life, and a stay-at-home mom that desperately needed a kitchen that was safe and sanitary). After 19 years of marriage and sacrificing my career to stay at home to support our children and the career that had him traveling I was entitled to half the retirement, it was OUR retirement, it was me doing ALL the work at home, in/around the house and raising kids that made his life and the lifestyle he’d become accustomed to possible. Long story short, my lawyer made the hurtful, insulting, degrading assumption that my parents would be paying the fee that is incurred in order to divide the retirement assets. Even going as far as to say, “Make certain the check is in your name”, um what?! I literally asked for clarification. Do make certain the check is in your name and not your parents’ was the advice and clarification. It took everything in me to maintain composure. The fact that my lawyer assumed that my parents were paying was insulting, there I was busting my ass working a full-time job and part-time job to pay for everything the kids needed (children are never more expensive than the teenage years and suddenly I had 3. Raising them solo). To be fair, looking back on the situation I was highly sensitive to anything or issues concerning finances, so this is definitely partially on me. So long story short, not only did my parents not pay for any fees, bills, etc. but I ended up having to also pay for my ex-husband’s fees. He did not pay one dollar of my legal fees and hasn’t paid for any agreements made in the settlement to this day. What does that mean? That means I have to save more money to take him back to court to pay his portion that was decided by the judge in the settlement. It is sad but true, the only ones losing in this are the children, and that money to take my ex-husband back to court should be used on the children. But hey, everyone is entitled to their own priorities. This brings me to my next point when someone else’s priorities and opinions don’t mesh with my own, in this case, I’m referencing my own parents.
My parents are opposed to my dating. I have met someone and we are dating while I am still working on my declaration of nullity for the Catholic Church. He is Catholic, actually a parishioner at my church, so he is very kind and understanding of my needs and concerns. That being said, Canon Law is completely silent on the topic of dating. The code does not forbid dating while working on and receiving an annulment. And here’s the thing, I entered into my marriage as a Catholic and made a covenant with God in the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony, I did that, my husband on the other hand is a different story. What happens when one spouse enters Holy Matrimony while the other is going before the altar giving a false testament/agreement? It just means the party that was trying their best, pulling double duty to keep the family together gets punished. I kept the family together in its Christian Catholic Faith, I had our children baptized, I took and took the children to church every Sunday and Holy day of obligation, and I made and make certain our children had/have the sacraments. We have been a part of our parish for 13 years. If you asked other practitioners and/or our Priest to point out my ex-husband in a lineup they could not, I can count on one hand how many times my ex-husband attended Mass in 13 years. Call me crazy but I think God knows, Jesus knows what I have been through and how busy I have been being both the mother and father to my children, working multiple jobs, keeping a roof over their heads, and maintaining their childhood! And I can honestly say, I know suffering is a part of the Christian Catholic faith and I have suffered, felt sorrow, learned, and grown from my experience as a wife, a role I fully and unequivocally accepted for life. This includes my ex-husband’s dog! (odd transition, but it works, lol!).
So, my ex-husband changed jobs halfway through our marriage. His new job had him traveling a lot and I would be home with the children by myself. I was fine with the arrangement so long as we had our yellow labrador retriever. Sadly, our labrador passed away at 10 years old and literally 4 months prior to my husband hitting the road with his new job. Thus, he found us a new puppy, his preference was a chocolate labrador this time. Little did I know just how much that chocolate labrador would consume the next 11 (thus far) years of my life! Don’t get me wrong, I love him. I am a lover of all pets (we currently have a geriatric dog, 4 guinea pigs, and a snake) but he is a “special needs dog…similar to humans, even dogs have special needs too. He literally goes outside, sniffs everything, comes indoors and pees…and yes, he was trained multiple times, the connection in his brain simply isn’t there! So much so that he will beg to go outside and then once outside for two minutes bark and whine like he has been outdoors for ages. Bear that in mind when I inform you of the fact that I am not running the air conditioner this summer, I simply can not afford it, thus, all the windows are open. He acts the same way indoors as he does outdoors, he barks, whines, and begs to go into bedrooms, bathrooms, etc. And God bless my neighbor, hearing him bark to come in, to go out, to go inside different bedrooms within the house, of course, she would make up her own narrative. She wrote a letter in which she is highly concerned with the dog and his current living situation and basically me. And I cannot say I blame her, if I could create my own narrative based upon everything heard/seen I’d do the same. Thus, I am not upset about the letter sent, but honestly appreciative, how awesome that we have a neighbor that cares that much for our dog to send a letter expressing so…and that takes courage, so I am very thankful for her and her courage to share her concern and passion for animals. But I must admit it does play into the fact that we each make up our own narrative based on what we hear, see, or view on social media. It is just so important that we are aware that they are narratives, not truth!
I will be clear, none of this is easy! If you have raised children, teenagers, entirely on your own you know where I’m coming from…you have your days, those days where mom is trying to channel her best “dad voice” because she means business! Those days when the unexpected occurs, like your youngest’s guinea pigs giving birth …or when you empty your savings account to pay the property taxes! You do it ALL for the children. This year, since January 1st, 2023, I have literally only had two nights away from my children, otherwise, I have them 24/7. Therefore, out of 204 days I have been away from my kids twice. And God bless them, they have only been away from me twice, lol! I only say this so those who do not solely have their children have an idea of the emotional, physical, and financial strains that this incurs…every meal, boo-boo, feud, inquiry, health, teeth, hormones, driving, etc. falls on me. When I came before the altar I did not agree to that, I was in a covenant with GOD, my husband, and myself to raise and address/combat all these issues together and now it is just me. But the children are first and foremost. That being said, as long as I know I am doing what God would want me to do, putting the children at the forefront and second only after God I know not to allow other people’s opinions, assumptions, and narratives to cloud my future and theirs.
Mom on the go in Holy Toledo 