Dating after Divorce

Dating, simply hearing the word makes me cringe. The anxiety, body image issues, self-deprecating internal dialogue, and the endless list of unwritten rules associated with the word. And to think, those were all concerns I had back when I was 20 years old.  It was tough enough dating back in 2000 when people still approached one another in public. When I had a 20-year-old’s body, energy, and brain, well, perhaps not the brain.

I might have a leg up on my younger self when it comes to knowledge, wisdom, and the vast amount of life experience I’ve attained in the past 23 years. But, to find yourself at the age of 43 and contemplating dating after assuming you’d be married for life, having had 3 kids, being on the PTA board, just starting to enjoy going to bed at 10pm, and still having to ask ones son how to reset the router, (or is it the modem?!) is jarring. After a divorce I think you first have to decide if you are ready to date, if you want to date, why you want to date, and then, lastly, decide how you plan on dating. I have seen too many people receive their settlement papers, no, worse, just being served divorce papers and they are already swiping left and right on multiple dating apps. 

Why do 64% of second marriages fail and a whopping 74% of third marriages fail? Because they haven’t done the work! Let’s be honest, most individuals didn’t do the work in their first marriage and that’s why it ended in divorce. What kind of work am I talking about? I’m talking about working on yourself, figuring out who you are as a person, what you want, and need, what your strengths and weaknesses are, and who you want to become. Doing a deep dive in introspection and becoming self-aware of all your nuances, attachment style, and vulnerability constraints. It is only once you truly know who you are as a person that you can even remotely contemplate being the other half of a couple. Despite what some people may think, life is a continuum, we are ever-evolving, growing, and needing to address who we are becoming. The comment, “This is who I am, this is how I was born, I’m not changing” is a false statement. Who you were at 20 is most definitely different than who you have become at 43. Over the course of that time, a lot of life has been lived, neural pathways have been laid, triggers, codependency, trauma bonding, and a lot of positive and negative habits have been formed. It is vital that the work be done personally, with family/friends, and/or with a mental health practitioner in order to get yourself back on track and become the best version of yourself. It is only then that you can actually start to become a prospective resemblance of someone’s better half. This leads me to the next question that you need to ask, do you want to be with someone? Do you actually want to date?

You just did all that hard work of digging up past trauma, addressing codependency, and enmeshment, learned that your life and livelihood are not based on how another individual reacts and that you do not have to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life..are you sure you want to give it another go? Are you sure you have the energy to possibly go through all of that again? This might be a bad or inappropriate analogy, but here goes…if you are a dog person you’ll appreciate the reference. When you get a puppy you put in so much training, sleepless nights, and work but it ends up being worth it to receive that unconditional love.  After 12-15 years and caring for an aging dog that eventually passes you have to ask yourself, are you ready to put all that time and effort into something that you know will eventually end with a portion of your heart being torn out? And more than likely your answer is yes. Why? Because, “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”, (Alfred, Lord Tennyson, 1809-1892). So you’ve done the hard work, you know who you are, and you’ve decided you definitely want to date, but why, what is your purpose for dating?

This is pretty basic, once you start dating your purpose moving forward is simply to continue dating, hooking up, or marriage. If you simply want to continue dating I get it, you probably already put all the time, effort, energy, and youth into a marriage. Now you just want a companion to enjoy social gatherings with in addition to a person to enjoy a brief reprieve from life’s stressors, a.k.a., grabbing dinner, a drink, or a movie. Now if you are simply with this person to “hook up” I will warn you, you will NEVER receive the emotional and mental satisfaction that you deserve. You deserve to be cherished, admired, and loved. Continually hooking up with someone because they think you are hot, fills a temporary void or a superficial physical need that society has trained you to think you need will never lead to pure genuine satisfaction and fulfillment. It is okay to want more, to say no to a meaningless hookup. Know that you deserve more no matter your age, body type, weight, career pathway, etc. If you are dating after a divorce I shouldn’t have to tell you this…but if your friends or family haven’t already, know that you are amazing, you have talents unique only to you, talents, interests, and love that a deserving individual will see, admire, and want to cherish for all their life. So how are you going to find that person, your person?

I won’t lie, you might still have to swipe right and swipe left…I’ll be honest, I’m not even certain. I am happy to say that as a 43-year-old and one who was with someone for  23 years, married literally 4 months shy of 20 years, I have never had to use a dating app. I give you all the props in the world, they do seem rather intimidating, but that is how people mingle and get to know one another in the digital age of dating. I say go with it, be safe, narrow down your options, and then woo them. Now this advice is mostly for the guys wooing a girl, think outside the box. Let me give you some pointers. What wooed me, first and foremost, was patience and understanding, followed by romance, consideration, faith/religion, and compassion. Given my circumstances he was very patient and understanding, only communicating via DMs. DMs that went on to include songs, one of my love languages is music, and waking up to a love song sent via DM that was congruent to a circumstance in my life was priceless.  But hey, I grew up in the 80s and 90s when dedicating a love song to someone meant something. (Thus, know your lady, or person you are pursuing, when did they grow up, what are their interests, love languages…what would be of significance to them?).  Our communications and relationship expanded and he would leave little “surprises” on my gate (now I’m not saying give your love interest your address right away, but once you are comfortable, you might be surprised at what awaits). I have received notes, cards, flowers, my favorite beverage, etc. It’s so endearing when I wake up and read, “I left you something on your gate”. I know, it may seem insignificant, but that’s where you are wrong, learn your love interest’s love language and you might just be surprised. 

So where are you? Happily, married to the love of your life? Dating after a divorce? Giving marriage a second chance? Share your current location on your life’s journey and what are your thoughts on dating?